28th Year of Life

I probably could’ve come up with a better title for this chapter, but that’s not something that bothers me. Full disclosure, I wouldn’t call myself a writer, but most days I don’t identify with the term “photographer” either. Let’s see where this goes.

So, who am I? What words do identify as part of my soul? And how do I want to be seen? That’s what I’m trying to figure out.

The day I post this, I’ll be turning 28. And not to sound too sad, but it’s the first time I’m really been excited to be alive. I am looking forward to the next year, next three, next ten, next thirty years. I am excited to grow deeper and continue to discover things about myself.

Many past versions of myself would be pleasantly surprised to see how I get to exist in this world today. Six-year-old me would be jealous of my rock (crystal*) collection. Eleven-year-old me would be furious and ask why I got rid of all her magazines and posters and books and things. Thirteen-year-old me would be astonished that I have traveled to so many places and seen so many wonderful views. Seventeen-year-old me would be impressed that I am such a creative person, business and everything? Woah. Twenty-somethings-year-old me would be surprised to see me in the amazing healthy relationship I am in, working towards the future ahead of us.

I never expected the life I have now. I never dreamed of it, and I never felt these possibilities were available to me.

I know many people who felt a deep internal connection form throughout the pandemic. Shifts in mindset. Shifts in being. Shifts in life. I had a laundry list of transitions that happened for me and a laundry list of things that I tried to aid myself during those times.

I tested out a lot to get me through such a turbulent headspace. Traditional Talk Therapy, Prescription Anxiety Meds, Inner Child Healing, EMDR Therapy, Reiki, Past Life Regression, Journalling, Coaching, Natural Medicine, many Self-Help/Therapy Books, Meditation, Breathwork, and various others. I tried every modality that was accessible to me to push myself - striving to heal myself as quickly and as efficiently as I could. I pulled deep into myself, my healing, and began to do what I thought I needed to prioritize. Only to find myself burnout on me.

The past month I’ve been reevaluating how much of me I actually let experience the present moment, even with all the work I’d done. (half kidding, mostly not. proud of myself.) I was exhausted. I was angry that I was still struggling, and I’d been neglecting my present self to tend to past versions of me that felt like they needed me more. It took a while to realize where I may have gone too hard. To be doing all that work to only be left emotionally exhausted day after day and physically in pain. My partner, and my therapist, were both expressing concerns that I was going too hard and not allowing myself space to find joy in my healing process.

So here’s part of my joy. A commitment to be seen in my 28th year, which is something I am excited to be working on. I cannot promise I’ll always post but I’m planning to share my thoughts, my healing, and my joy.